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Fri, 24 May 2013 00:33:56 +0800

explodingdog: just thinking

Fri, 24 May 2013 00:29:52 +0800

just thinking

Back into the black room

Fri, 24 May 2013 00:23:15 +0800

So, yes. Wow it has been long since I wrote. I have also taken acute notice of how I am only inspired to write on this tumblr when I am low in spirits

I don’t think I can ever expect to be free from some feelings I have had since I could remember things.

The feeling that you are sacrificing, giving, for those who do not treasure it, and instead spite your existence in their lives. That one is basically bleeding for those who not only do not deserve one’s blood, but also despise you for getting blood on their fancy ass carpets known as their selfishness.

I admit I have always been naive with this thing called hope. Every time; when I went to secondary from primary school, when I went to JC, when I enlisted; I always believed, told myself it would be a new beginning.

I would meet new people. It would be a new beginning. I would no longer be alone. I would have these companion things other people referred to as friends; I would make some of the best bonds and links, some of the most spectacular relationships in my lifetime.

Or at least that was what all the seniors always said.

But the same pattern would always repeat itself in a different manifestation; I would often find myself disliked or at the very least knowing I was of no value, sentimental or material, to most others.

But that said, the few friends I made in these years - all the ones I truly made I never regret, and I treasure them close.

Coincidence is no longer a reason. Despite my best efforts to “be myself” whatever shit the dickbags who coined it meant (I am inclined to believe they were talking whilst heavily drunk on some dodgy moonshine, because “being myself” is consistent with being perpetually disappointed with everyone including oneself.) , I could never find myself appreciated for the things I did for others.

Maybe it is normal for other human beings to take kindness for granted. Maybe even exploit it.

From tanking project work shit in secondary school, to trying to make the class happy in what way I could in JC, to fighting for fellow cadets’ welfare in army now, just to name one from each period. (if I bitch on, this post will never end)

Same pattern. Same result. Same story.

I am once again sick and tired.

So revolted.

I am not well-liked. Despite all my sacrifices towards those same people who spurn me.

It leads me to question if there is something seriously wrong with me, if I have some deficiency when it comes to human interaction that makes me unappealing at best and usually annoying/irritating/undesirable.

For even those I was on good terms with in my BMT Platoon, now having become my section and bunk mates, some of them have begun turning on me.

Maybe it is the stress of having been toilet cleaner for 17 months in BMTC, then going to SCS and being toilet + armskote IC duty.

I don’t know. That is the problem, as always. I want to change but I don’t know what’s the root issue; despite being always acutely aware of my shortcomings and mistakes and having heavy guilt over even the smallest of mistakes, I don’t know what (or if there is) something fundamentally wrong with me.

Armskote IC has / is an absolutely shit job. Every jerkbag in the platoon takes his fucking sweet time to send arms, leading the platoon to send arms last. Then they blame it on you despite having rushed them.

One reminds the platoon to take out rifle slings / change blank attachments / oil the rifles / sign the book. The platoon, usually with the jerkbag types being louder, all reply with annoyance and contempt.

Yet always some cock will return his weapon with a sling, with a blank attachment, rusty ass rifle, or not sign the book.

Worst of all has been when the whole armskote had to wait to be closed because some idiot went to take a shower when everyone else was sending arms.

Drawing arms is no better.

Armskote IC is also synonymous with having zilch for admin time. Every Tom, Dick and Harry will draw / send his arms and go upstairs to rest / force prep happily, while me being the same sadfuck will be busy arranging rifles / locking up weapons / writing in the armskote book.

Basically it means no rest when everyone else has.

It is / was actually okay with me in the beginning. Besides, there is a reason when people say one of the life skills you learn (or are supposed to learn) in the SAF is to “suck thumb”

But I refuse to suck thumb when abuse / exploitation becomes too much to bear. Especially when it is not commander, but fellow ranked mate - caused.

It is one thing to come up to the 4th floor bunk from the 1st floor armskote in admin / PT kit, with 10 minutes to pack all your shit, change to longfall + SBO, and anything else that was last-minute changed from the previous night (which in SCS is usually quite major, like whether you need your field pack or not. Three cheers for major ass bureaucratic inefficiency, hooray you motherfuckers!)

It is another thing entirely when you go up to bunk in the above scenario to see everyone else lepak-ing around doing nothing / playing pokemon on their phones / messaging / sleeping / talking cock, ready to move off in some getup or gear that was not told to you the previous night.

And despite being an armskote IC that tries to help the platoon waste the least time in drawing / sending arms, that wastes all his admin time inside a hot room with rifles so everyone else can go off with their training, nobody helps the armskote.

Maybe it was naive, maybe it was having too much faith in others.

But there is only utter disappointment and panic / anger when you find nobody has helped you while you were busy and are instead are having fun.

One then proceeds to rush to do the necessary adjustments / changes. Nobody so much as bats an eyelid. One gently asks for some help. Nobody in the bunk seems to hear it. One asks louder. Nobody cares.

2 minutes left to fall in. Half the bunk is out the door going down the stairs. One has already asked for help 3 -4 times.

I become desperate. I shout for help. Nobody fucking cares.

Nobody gives a molecule’s worth of fuck.

Whatever they said about camaraderie in army turns to ash before my eyes.

I rush out what I can, run downstairs 5 minutes late.

Everyone is in pumping position waiting for me.

Great, so now everyone in the platoon hates me for this.

What makes things worse is that the manner in which i shouted for help is now endlessly mimicked to make fun of me.

Fuck all these people, says one part of my mind. The other half tries to show how they are good people in actuality, but falls short due to lack of contrasting evidence.

Same pattern. Different incarnation. Once again I have sacrificed for others, only to have others abandon me in my time of need because I am not worth anything to them. And in the process I commit an avoidable error and make more enemies I wanted to be friends with.

Sick and tired. So goddamn sick and tired. The swear words are many in this post but a combination of army language and the need for such raw emotion in a harsh word are necessary to convey the anger and disappointment when these things happen.

But it’s going to happen over and over again. Like they say, the cycle continues. One way or another the evidence says it will.

This too shall pass somehow.

And when she goes to the UK, I shall once again be alone.

I’ll survive, somehow, I don’t know how yet, but the question is when will this all end, or rather, whether these things will ever end.

True friends are so few and far between, and the things and people I love so dear are so fragile, so easily lost.

And the world is cold.

No answer shall come but I will ask.

I will ask for the sake of a curiosity that will never be satiated in this case.

Who helps the helper?

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Fri, 24 May 2013 00:07:59 +0800

ryusantiago: That precision.

Thu, 23 May 2013 23:36:26 +0800

ryusantiago:

That precision.

thefuuuucomics: yahoo yahoo yahoo ...

Thu, 23 May 2013 23:36:08 +0800

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pastelletta: No face is kind of cute when he’s not being...

Thu, 23 May 2013 23:17:12 +0800

pastelletta:

No face is kind of cute when he’s not being terrifying and eating people.

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Thu, 23 May 2013 23:01:48 +0800

tastefullyoffensive: [via]

Thu, 23 May 2013 22:38:35 +0800

tastefullyoffensive:

[via]

typette: Game of Thrones S03: My Understanding so Far PRETTY...

Thu, 23 May 2013 22:10:09 +0800

typette:

Game of Thrones S03: My Understanding so Far

PRETTY FUCKING MUCH

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Sat, 18 May 2013 15:38:13 +0800

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Sat, 18 May 2013 15:35:40 +0800

Photo

Sat, 18 May 2013 15:31:28 +0800

saveroomminibar: “Little Renders” by SLiD3 on CGhub.

Sat, 18 May 2013 15:18:47 +0800

saveroomminibar:

“Little Renders” by SLiD3 on CGhub.

philophile: any moment where elizabeth is not “in your party”...

Sat, 18 May 2013 12:20:13 +0800

philophile:

any moment where elizabeth is not “in your party” is a terrible moment

boiledleather: The sync for the second gif is really...

Sat, 18 May 2013 12:19:09 +0800

boiledleather:

The sync for the second gif is really remarkable.

istabhotlava: Mann Co. has extended their munitions sales to...

Sat, 18 May 2013 12:03:43 +0800

istabhotlava:

Mann Co. has extended their munitions sales to the planet of Pandora

“A Song of Undertow & Devil’s Kiss” Game of Thrones Meets...

Sat, 18 May 2013 12:00:41 +0800

“A Song of Undertow & Devil’s Kiss” Game of Thrones Meets BioShock Infinite, by Synthetic PictureHaus

(via syntheticph)

(x)

Sat, 18 May 2013 11:57:30 +0800

(x)

explodingdog: You broke Crazy Monster’s heart.

Sun, 12 May 2013 00:21:16 +0800

explodingdog:

You broke Crazy Monster’s heart.

The Shortsighted Eagle

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explodingdog: just thinking

Back into the black room

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ryusantiago: That precision.

thefuuuucomics: yahoo yahoo yahoo ...

pastelletta: No face is kind of cute when he’s not being...

Photo

tastefullyoffensive: [via]

typette: Game of Thrones S03: My Understanding so Far PRETTY...

Photo

Photo

Photo

saveroomminibar: “Little Renders” by SLiD3 on CGhub.

philophile: any moment where elizabeth is not “in your party”...

boiledleather: The sync for the second gif is really...

istabhotlava: Mann Co. has extended their munitions sales to...

“A Song of Undertow & Devil’s Kiss” Game of Thrones Meets...

(x)

explodingdog: You broke Crazy Monster’s heart.